Destiny's Garden

I did an exercise the other day. I listed the top 10 events in history I would like to be a part of, as well as a list of the 10 things in my life I wanted to revisit and more importantly, redo. Hindsight and a time machine would be my only allies.
The idea came to me from this very turgid novel on time travel. As an exercise however, it turned out to be peculiarly…well peculiar.
The list of historical events of course, was very interesting (That’s coz I AM! ) It was the personal one that was a surprise.
All of us have some aches about the past. The ‘If Only’ syndrome is fairly inevitable. Thinking and reflecting over years gone by, moments that shape our present lives & selves, are within reason, not at all a bad thing to do. My own regrets I felt were fairly numerous – from past hurts & decisions, to lies told, opportunities missed and paths taken. Writing these down was more difficult than I ever imagined.
I’d enumerate...reflect, ruminate and then cross them out. Soon the page looked about as lucid as an infant’s scribbles.
Each regret turned out to have either shaped or been shaped by previous acts. Each one set down in black n white appeared frivolous and without any credibility. Each event was colored by the past- do we remember events or our memories of them? Dunno’ where one ends and the other begins…
Many hours of furious scribbling & crossing out later, I found that 9 out of 10 so called life-changing events had disappeared. The only one that passed the test of reflection, recrimination and bone crunching regret was the one that determined my entire life.
It also taught me a very valuable lesson, albeit after many wasted years- never do anything in anger. Bad times always pass- bad moods even faster. The pall cast tho’, lasts forever.
Nothing you do, have ever done, ever achieved, attained or otherwise lived will be rid of that shadow.
One act, out of so many others.
It was pretty jolting to realize that life, at the end of the day is a bloody tradeoff. It’s that compromise between what you KNOW you are and what you are now. Most of us straddle it with ease…some lucky ones never have the dichotomy, some never even feel it.
Some of us make a list and realize that destiny forces you to choose time and time again- each choice influences different paths; some reconnect, some diverge….labyrinthine twists & turns…and yet, when you look back you see just one path behind you.
I know not what lies ahead but of this I’m sure- if only one act of regret remains, my choice is clear. Utilize what I am now to become what I know I could have been.
Therein lies my journey and who knows? By the time I record this again, I would have met myself, wandering purposefully down Destiny’s Garden.